I have relationship goals. What they don’t include EVER is being someone’s “wifey”. I just cringed.
Shit is bad. It’s the 21st century and women are still wearing this “title” as a badge of honor. I thought it expired in the late 90s with all of Diddy’s ironclad contracts and one-hit wonders. But even now, I hear and witness people who own vaginas referring to themselves as “wifey”. In real time and on social media. And I’m always like, “But biiitch… you’re not married”.
Chicks is really outcheah aspiring to attain this label like it’s Facebook’s newest relationship status. I don’t understand why it’s being met with the same enthusiasm as enduring four years of undergrad to earn one’s baccalaureate.
Regrettably, this nomenclature has been in existence for longer than I care to remember, and doesn’t show signs of extinction in the imminent future. It’s perturbed the hell out of me since its inception and is right up there with my dislike of “baby daddy”.
Mostly because, if a man is simple enough to refer to you as “wifey”, he likely hasn’t proposed marriage and there is a 98.2% chance that he never will. This dude has no intention of pledging his undying love to you for eternity before God or people he neither likes nor knows, these people being your family and friends. You know, like at a wedding ceremony. You will inevitably become impregnated while you shack up, though. Your baby might even end up with some half-siblings around the same age. Sorry to burst your bubble, but Langston wasn’t the only one with a dream deferred, and he won’t be the last. 
I honestly thought that any association with this terminology would be on permanent hiatus by now, but then a week ago, I received a “Wifey in Training” invite from someone I’ve never met on Facebook. No, your eyes are not deceiving you. I immediately dismissed this nonsense into the abyss that is cyberspace. The bullshit barometer inside me caused quite the visceral reaction, consisting primarily of myriad “What the fucks??” First of all, why wasn’t this shit instantaneously Magnetoed from my event inbox? Second, the individual who requested my presence obviously doesn’t know me in real life because I only publicly shame others, not myself, and would never attend anything of the sort. Further, what the fuck kind of behavior have I exhibited on social media that made them think I’d want to go?
Listen, boo. When your “man” starts referring to you as his “wifey”, it’s the beginning of the end fa yo’ ass. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail. Or go find a really stellar psychiatrist because that’s where you’ll be heading once your insignificant relationship ends. Because this man ain’t exactly looking to build a future with you.
He is, however, attempting to manipulate you into engaging in acts that only women who have actually been wifed do. Like anal.
Aaaaand if you’re already playing into that foolishment, you may as well find the nearest funeral parlor and give up the ghost, girl. Because once you reward a man with anal for any reason, there’s no turning back for him. Don’t do it, Anna Mae.
From what I’ve ascertained, men primarily stamp a woman “wifey” as a brainwashing tool to subject her to succumbing to all manner of Jedi mind trickery. This may involve dude borrowing her car for extended periods of time à la Jody in Baby Boy, ol’ girl letting him “hold” half her paycheck, preparing three meals a day for him and snacks. And all you get in return is the revered designation of “wifey”. This man probably isn’t sharing his life dreams with you. But he’s definitely sharing his dick. Actually, if you’re the woman in this equation, you’re probably dickmatized. Because once said woman falls for it, she’s basically under this spell of fuckery until someone stages an intervention. May the odds be ever in your favor, Blackniss Everdeen.
On the flipside, it’s perfectly fine to flee this situation like Lot fled Sodom and Gomorrah. But if you really like him, test the waters first. When he starts referring to you as “wifey”, discuss the possibilities. Ask him his thoughts on marriage. What did his face just do? Did it light up like you offered him a threesome? Or does it look like he just tasted his own cum?
For real doe. If women are going to continue making a case for this “wifey” business, I need to know, where ya nuggets? If someone is interested in moving forward, yet hasn’t expressed interest in adorning that fourth phalange with those coveted 4Cs–or offered you a place to stow your feminine products long-term at his house, at minimum–he’s calling you “wifey” to mind-fuck you. Because nothing says true love and devotion more than a guy blowing three months’ salary on a blood diamond.
